Sunday, 17 June 2012

Hide and Seek

So, I have a problem.

I don’t look gay.

Not even a little bit.

I’m a great lover of flowery skirts, dresses, long hair and makeup.

When people discover I’m gay, it’s always then followed with a quick look up and down and “….really?”

Yes really.

But sometimes….I want people to know I’m gay.

For instance, I had to take a law module this year (ZzZzZ) and one of the cases we studied was about S&M-ing gay men….it was hilarious.

But I was worried.

Being gay myself, I have developed the habit of casually using derogatory slang words for gay eg. Homo/the gays/dyke etc. and I was terrified that I was going to slip up in my law seminar and say something like, “well obviously they only got convicted because they were homos, and the court doesn’t like gayboys”. 


I obviously couldn’t then follow this statement with “It’s okay guys, I’m a massive gay, I can say shit like this”.

So what to do?

In the end I just ended up being very quiet that seminar.

But sometimes, I want the recognition of other surrounding gays. Me and R went out once to a restaurant and saw an obviously gay pair of ol’ lady lovers sat near us. Every time they looked over one of us would say “Quick! Do something gay!”

And R can’t deny this as she once spent a week stalking a lesbian couple on a cruise ship. Seriously…she really did.


It’s all about this femme invisibility thing. I’ve seen loads of articles and blogs on it recently. Now I’ve never had it to the extent that I’ve not been let into a club, but then again I always have R with me.

But what if I wanted more? To wear my queerness on my sleeve so to speak. I realise that being able to blend in with the straight community has its advantages (for example, I probably wouldn’t have gotten my current job if my hugely Christian boss had known I was gay), but recognition is sometimes something I crave. 

However, I only want recognition from fellow gays.

There’s nothing worse than walking down the street hand in hand with R, to have a load of straight guys cat calling and hollering after us. It sucks.

It’s rude.

And it makes me want to hit them. (Once, R did in fact slap someone for trying to take a photo of us.)

So it’s a catch 22. To be recognised by the gays, there’s the potential of being recognised by annoying straights.

To blend in with the straights I risk being invisible to the lovely ladies.



For now I’ll settle with sticking Stonewall paraphernalia all over my laptop and having it with me wherever I go. Along with my thumb ring and multiple rainbow bands, I should be spotted by those with a keen eye and a queer orientated brain. 



  1. This is far to true! And perpetuated by the media. Watching a news article about gay marriage the other day, did the portray two feminine ladies wishing to tie the knot? Nope, two incredibly stereotypically butch ladies of course.

    Do feminine ladies not wish to get married?

    Being told I am not a 'normal' lesbian makes me angry.

    That being said, picking gay people out of a crowd is one of my favourite past times, and the feminine ladies make it more of a challenge!!

  2. Yes! I totally agree with this. I don't look gay either, and haven't been out all that long, and I totally would love to somehow be able to wear something that other lesbians would recognise but not the straights!

    Love this blog, just found it and I'll be visiting regularly.


    1. We need a badge...a secret badge...maybe something like this?