So I have really good hindsight.
And it’s a shit thing to have.
I am part of a sports club at Uni, and it’s a male dominated sport in general. Which means that I’m forever having to put up with the same really really dumb gay-related questions all the time. Well...maybe they’re not stupid. There’s just some major misunderstandings going on.
Then there’s one guy, E, who is the epitome of a twatty homophobe in denial with his head up his arse.
You can tell he’s my favourite person, can’t you?
He’s full of ridiculous questions/one liners that are so stupid, sometimes I don’t even know how to respond to them.
This is where hindsight is a shitty thing to have. At the time, all I can do is stare at him, hoping that he is joking. Then I’ll go home, R will make me a cuppa and I’ll curl up to her and whine about how stupid E is and relay all the awful things he said. And then these perfect witty, scathing but informative answers will flood into my head…which I then almost always instantly forget.
So here they are, a comprehensive list of E’s wanky classics and my responses when I’ve had time to sit down and consider how to answer.
Memorise them ladies. It is highly likely you will be asked these questions…repeatedly.
“Who’s the man?”
I…I just don’t even understand how this question even crosses someone’s mind.
And when I gave E the answer of “neither of us…we’re lesbians” he replied with “no…I know, but...Who’s the man?”
He’s a clever boy.
Neither of us you twat-face. We’re in a relationship as 2 girls, who act like girls…because we’re girls. There is no man involved. We don’t need a traditional “man role” to make things work.
“I don’t usually like gay people, but you’re okay”
I don’t usually like dick heads but you’re…yeah…
“2 ladies is alright, but when I think of 2 men, it's just wrong.”
Don’t get me wrong, I’d much rather see 2 ladies getting it on than 2 guys too…so I tend not to spend too much of my time imagining 2 guys doing the nasty.
“Why do you guys like strap-ons if you don’t like men/penis?”
A strap-on is not a man.
And a penis is not the sole reason for my dislike of men.
I am a lady.
Regardless of whether a lady is straight, gay, queer etc, there are certain things which tend to feel good. I just want that good feeling without having a man attached because, shockingly, men don’t turn me on.
Us lesbians are selfish that way. All of the fun. None of the man.
“Why do some lesbians like butch women? If you like girls then you should like girly girls.”
Why do some straight girls like weedy, femme, emo boys? Why do some like beefy hench builder guys? It’s a spectrum. Some like the more femme side of things, others, the more butch. It works for girls too.
I happen to like a lil bita butch in my ladies, where as R is all for the skirts and make up. If we were straight girls, I would like the hench lads and R would like the weepy boys and no one would bat an eye.
But better cos it’s gay.
In the words of the great Morgan Freeman; “Homophobia isn’t the right word. You’re not scared. You’re an asshole.”
So shut the fuck up E.