Thursday, 9 May 2013

Hate This And I'll Love You



So it appears I’m acting like a crazy woman of late.

My head is literally all over the place. Which is most unfortunate when I need it to be staying in one place. Preferably in my revision notes as I’m in the midst of my exams and have about 2 months of revision to catch up on. Everyone I’ve spoken to has been so lovely and full of well-meaning advice. 


Yes, I know I need to revise. Yes, I know I need to get my head down just for these next 2 weeks or I’ll have wasted the last 3 years of University over some idiotic chick. But if it was that easy, I would have gotten over R the moment we broke up. I would have sighed, rolled my eyes and asked her to get out of my room as I opened up my textbooks and buckled down.

It’s really not that simple in my head.

Whenever I’m by myself, all I want is for R to be in the vicinity. But I want that for all the wrong reasons I think. I want her there because I want to laugh and joke and have contact and closeness with her.

Which is bad.

Obviously these are the things I should be avoiding.

And when we are near each other. I’m just so angry. So angry I feel like I could scream. For all the things she did and for everything I ended up feeling as a result of it. For the warped mess my head turned into because of her stupid actions and lies (…moving on)


So then I’m angry. So I move myself away or ask her to leave.

And then I’m by myself again.

And when I’m by myself, I tend to get sad. Because I’m not used to being alone any more. And in my current state of mind I feel crap about myself and being left alone with my thoughts doesn’t seem to do me any good.


So then I’m by myself, potentially crying, and of course my default for when I’m upset is to go to R. Because she always used to make things better.


So the cycle that seems to be happening is as follows:

So I’m being that weird crazy ex-girlfriend who can’t decide whether she hates or loves someone. And I foolishly used to see people acting like this, and from my warm happy bubble of relationship-ness, I just couldn’t understand it.


And now it’s me. I’m the person that other people look at and say “she needs to sort her head out”.

Yes. Yes I do.

  
Before I manage to screw up my degree completely please. 

-T

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