Thursday, 15 August 2013

Ever Fallen In Love

R once wrote a post about how I go caving.

Which I do. Because it’s awesome.

Again, not the lesbian hang out that you might think. In fact, I’m the only gay member. Which does tend to lead to a lot of gay questions being thrown my way...And not always nice ones.

But this last weekend’s caving trip was awesome. There’s no other word.

There was much wine, much caving, much fun and many bruises.

Yup. These are my actual legs.
I think it was just what I needed. Caving was always something that was mine. Separate from my couple life with R. In fact, R wasn’t a fan of my caving life. Any form of cave-talk around her led to much eye rolling and sighing.

So this was nice. Something that’s always been just for me.

Granted, over the weekend at one point I was stuck in a cave for 2 hours in a space that was about a foot wide and 50ft high…but again…still awesome.

Note- I was not this happy when stuck
Cavers generally have no shame around each other. When you’re squished up in a cave with someone for 7 hours, scrambling over them and with your arse in someone’s face at least 50% of the time, public decency wanes a little bit and everyone gets a bit cosy.

And on this trip I was able to fully indulge in this cosiness.

Unfortunately…it was with a bloke.

Upon recounting some antics to my friend F, he joked that I could grow up, marry a man, have 2.4 kids and no one would ever know about my “phase” back in Uni.

I know he was joking, but that was a thought that always terrified me when I was first coming out of the closet.

…What if I had to go back in?

What if I did suddenly like a guy, want to marry him and have 2.4 kids? What would I tell people? The thought of retreating back into the closet is scarier by far than coming out of it ever was.

But this actually happens to people. When I first came out, my Mother delighted in telling me stories about distant relatives who "were gay once". They went through all the nerve wracking stress and worry of coming out, they joined the LGBT community, had gay partners...and day...fell in love with a straight partner.

Everyone's heard of "Gay Until Graduation". But I've never realised how terrifying a prospect it really is. 

Would it be like Tina in the L word? Would I be shunned? Would my lesbian brethren feel like I'd betrayed and abandoned them?

I've always been comfortable with my lesbian label because I fit so neatly into it, but maybe the people who say sexuality is "fluid" have a point. We all do seem a little obsessed with labels.

                                                               Goldstars and Not.

We're crazy about them!

But you know all I discovered this past weekend?

I'm just plan ol' garden variety gay. No further labels needed.

I'm so dull.


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