Wednesday, 18 December 2013

Better Do Better

You know how sometimes you see small crying children being dragged along by their parents. And these parents are rolling their eyes and saying “God, you’re tired” while their kids are stamp their little feet and bawl and scream that they don’t want to go to bed and that their parents are stupid. But to even the most causal of onlookers, it glaringly obvious that the child is completely exhausted.

...That was me.

I was the metaphorical child.

The last few months I've been exhausted. I've been tired. And everyone kept insisting I wasn’t okay. And I would stamp my little feet and scream I was fine, tell everyone to stop bloody worrying and stomp off in a metaphorical huff.

And, like tired children’s parents…everyone was right.

I wasn’t okay.  

I’d stopped eating. I'd dropped about 40lb. I wasn’t really sleeping. I’d just pretty much stopped interacting with people, and tended to sit in a rather catatonic fashion in the corner hoping everyone would see how totally okay and fine I was about everything. I’d just cut myself off from everything. Apparently my brain thought feeling nothing was better than feeling sad.

...Well done brain.

In truth, it worked for a while, but made me bloody awful company.

Then an off the cuff email from R sent me spiralling down and I spent the best part of 5 hours in my room just crying and drinking more tea than I ever thought possible in one sitting.

And then it all kind of clicked into place for me and I felt ashamed of how I'd been acting. It was a penny-dropping, light coming on, self realisation type thing. I was letting some shitty thing done by equally shitty people make me feel shitty about myself.

And I just thought. Fuck that. cut a long story I feel better.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m in no way back to my old self. I still can’t imagine trusting anyone again for a while. I still can’t listen to certain music or watch certain films. I still have my days where something stupid like a breakfast of rye bread and scrambled eggs will make me feel sad for the whole morning, because that was something we used to do.

But I’m definitely better.
I’ve started baking bread again. Started drinking peppermint tea again. Started eating again. Started feeling happy again.


So now I’m back to writing again.
And writing happy things too. 


You lucky things, you.

But love and shiz to the people who commented and emailed me with happy thoughts. You’re all rather lovely.



1 comment:

  1. :) Glad things are looking up :) Hope you have had a lovely Christmas! Xx