Wednesday, 1 January 2014

First Day Of My Life

So now 2013 has come and gone.

Thank God.

It’s really wasn’t my year.

So now we’ve rolled around once more to the time where we all make fresh faced and hopeful new promises about what our future will be like and how things will be different and everything will be just lovely.

Looking back, last year was the first year I kept my new year’s resolution.

I decided I wanted to be closer to my siblings.

I have 2 sisters and a brother, and at the beginning of 2013 we were all pretty spread out across the country and shoddy at staying in touch with each other. So my 2013 resolution was to talk to them more.

Nice and simple and easy.

And I was crap at it for the first few months.

It feels kind of artificial to force a relationship with someone when you lived with them for 18 years, know quite a lot about them…but just never really talked much. But after a few months the talk came easier and we all started to open up to each other a bit more.

And for me, it came just in time.

During my breakup with R, my siblings were all fantastic. You couldn’t ask for a better support network.

One sister commiserated because she’d been through something very similar. The other sister shuffled about awkwardly because she has a long history of cheating on her boyfriends but bought me lots of wine and offered hearty threats of violence.

And my brother… he was possibly the best of all, because he never brought up the subject, just started sending me computer games on Steam.

So what do I choose this year?

I don’t want a generic “be healthier” or “drink less” resolution that I know is doomed to fail. And I could pick something very blasé like, “be happier” or “love myself more”.

I learnt a lot about myself this past year, and know the parts of myself that will likely never change. For example, I’m impatient, I’m crazily socially awkward, and I hate confrontation so much that I will make myself ill and miserable to avoid it. Hardly desirable traits, but things I’ve just accepted about myself.

There are some things about myself which I think I lost in the break up. I liked how I always tried to see the best in people. How I always tried to see the positives in shitty situations. How I would try hard for other people because it’s what I would have wanted other people to do for me if roles were ever reversed.

I lost things like that. And it’s sad because it made up a lot of who I was.

And I liked who I was.

I’m already well on my way back to being the happy lesbian in bright floral prints who thinks there's no such thing as baking too many cupcakes, but I still have a little way to go.

So maybe a slightly cliché resolution of “getting to know myself” isn’t so out of the question. Self-reflection and all that jazz.

New, shiny beginnings.

But back to the old shiny me.


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