Thursday, 27 February 2014

3 Rounds And A Sound

3 Rounds And A Sound - Blind Pilot
There’s something I’ve kept quiet about on here recently.

Something I’ve kept quiet about to everyone in my life actually. 

About R.

R came to Germany to see me.

The week’s run up to her visit left my Host-Parent’s kitchen a little worse for wear as I tend to bake when I’m stressed. They had more bread, cookies and cake than they knew what to do with. 

So anyway, after over 7 months of not seeing R and no contact, I walked down my stairs to find her looking confused and being accosted by a 4 year old German boy as he babbled at her.

It was surreal to say the least.

So we went out. We drank some tea. She talked. I listened. We shared some very long silences. 

I knew why she’d come. I knew what she was going to ask and I’d been pondering what I would answer and say for a whole week. I’d made lists. I’d spent hours contemplating what I should answer. But when it eventually reached that point in our conversation, and she very artfully blurted out that she wanted another chance…I forgot all of it. And I had no idea what to say.

My brain just shut down and my heart was beating so hard I was finding it very hard to think of anything.

Then something hit me. If I didn’t still think that we had a chance, if I honestly felt absolutely nothing towards her…I wouldn’t have agreed to let her come visit. I would have just pottered on with my little German life.

...So I said yes.

And now here I am. 

Scared shitless if I’m honest.

You know what’s worse than trying to trust a cheating ex again? Trying to trust a cheating ex when you don’t live in the same country as them.

I predict this will not be fun for the next 5 months. 

But I’m willing to try. And so is R. 

I know it sounds cliché and you’re all probably already rolling your eyes anyway… but it really does feel like she’s changed.

She’s more open. More emotionally available. More willing to admit to everything that she did wrong. And heart-breakingly sorry about the pain she caused me.

It was scarily easy how things began to feel normal again. Within 24 hours we were sneaking kebabs into R’s very posh hotel in my coat pockets, swigging wine out the bottle and watching old films. 

That’s not to say there were a lot of times where things were awkward and weird and frightfully reminiscent of the first time we got together, because I was scared and didn’t trust her then either.

A short version of all of this would be as follows: 

TL;DR- We were together once, and it all went tits up. So we tried being friends, and that didn’t work either. Then we didn’t speak for a year and R spent a lot of time sorting herself out, while I did a lot of maturing and shed my naivety.

So now we’re onto our third try.

And third time’s the charm, right?


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