My friend M is going through a hard time at the moment.
She has a girlfriend, who we’ll call C.
M and C are like chalk and bloody cheese.
Now I’m not saying that this is always a bad thing. In fact, sometimes the "opposites attract" malarkey really does work, and a seemingly odd pairing can be blissfully happy together.
M and C...are not one of these couples.
M likes going out til the early hours. C likes staying in with movies.
M can’t speak German. C can’t speak English. So they don’t even have a common language.
M likes sex in the evening. C, in the morning. (I don’t know why people insist on telling me details like this about their lives.)
M doesn’t like to drink and disapproves of C having more than one glass of wine.
…There’s just too many differences.
Unfortunately the one similarity they share is that they are both overly emotional and (as M put it) girl-style-crazy.
And so now I’ve been forced into many a thrilling conversation with M where she has spent a long time going into detail over how C is just plain “dull”.
That’s great M. Why don’t you break up then?
Eventually they did. They broke up for a grand total of about 3 weeks before M took her back again, but not before lamenting that she wished she’d slept with someone else in that 3 week period.
Obviously a great start there.
So they are back together, and M has returned to complaining to me about how boring C is and how the whole relationship is just awful.
|I realised after posting this, that this was a very hypocritical picture to use.|
Why bother trying this all again then?
M doesn’t know why. She just thought it would be the right thing to do. She’s never used the word “love” when talking about C. Just scoots around it and says things like “I really care for her”.
I have my own theory.
M is about as Femme as they come.
Before M ambushed me in a pub and began our weird and wonderful friendship, I would have bet hard money on her being as straight as straight girls come.
She’s got herself a serious case of Femme Invisibility.
My theory is that C is her ultimate gay accessory.
When I was first getting to know M, she told me about how she was considering getting dreadlocks and when I didn’t appear too enthused about dreads, she went on to say she might just cut all her hair off, like me.
Which gives me the impression she’s craving gay recognition.
And I get that. I understand the femme invisibility conundrum. Being a huge flowery femme myself, I get that sometimes holding hands with another girl down the street gives you that extra boost of gay-ness so you’re recognisable as a fellow lady-lover.
I could of course be entirely wrong.
I have no doubt that M cares for C, whether she’s an accessory or not. I’ll not ignore the possibility that M loves C, and just isn’t good about expressing it verbally to people and can't help but be drawn back into their seemingly incompatible mix.
The sad thing about femme invisibility is that there’s just no way to combat it. I tried the whole jeans, tees, checked shirts and dykier look…and I just felt so uncomfortable in it.
So although I realise being a femme has its advantages, it’s sad that it can alienate us femmes from the gay world. But you still couldn’t pay me to give up my skirts and liquid eyeliner.
The only advice I can give to suffering femmes out there is to add unnecessary rainbows into your life. I have a rainbow band that I never take off, rainbow badges on my bag, and the back of my laptop is plastered in LGBT stickers and pin-up lady transfers. All this, to counteract the fact that I'm currently sat in a cafe wearing an orange dress and pearls.
But it works.
Because even without R's butcher presence and hand holding, the dkyey waitress bringing me peppermint tea is giving me the smile of mutual gay recognition.